Written by Wendy Mewhort, April ‘07

Earlier today I asked my daughter, “If you could tell me anything that you want me to know- what would it be?” She smiled, “Love.” Simple. It is simple- in theory, but to project- How often do I? How often do we?
My children ask me to do something simple, like ride their bikes around the block or play games on the computer. I say later. Like there’s a hierarchy. Like you have to do this before you deserve to do that. Why is that I wonder. Why can’t I just allow? Why not just love? Why do we have to be deserving of love? Isn’t love something we all have the right to? So why does it seem so conditional in our society?
You can’t have dessert until you’ve finished dinner. Heard that one? Isn’t it the same as- I won’t reward you with this until you do what I think is best for you. Control. Why do I know what is best? Why do I say when you’re deserving? Why has love become like a reward? Why do I find it so hard to just give love?
Belief. Belief that I’m not good enough- not good enough to deserve love- just because I’m here. I am one of six billion souls but I deserve to be here. I think that children intrinsically know this. They know that they belong here and they know that they deserve love without conditions. And it’s us. We do it to them. We put conditions on love. You want to go for a bike ride? Sure…after you’ve cleaned your room. Why do I say that? Don’t we deserve healthy fun exercise? Not as a reward for doing work, but because it is something that is simply desired? So why am I putting conditions on things?
I’m thinking it’s because in our society it seems like we were taught to do everything for others. To please them. To please our parents, our teachers. To please our aunties, our neighbours, strangers- everybody.
One day when my daughter was three, I was busy vacuuming the carpet when I noticed her looking at me excitedly. “What is it?” I asked. “Who’s coming over?” she replied. No one was. OK I get it. She thinks that we clean because someone’s coming over- not for the value of having a fresh clean place for ourselves. Hmmm… she’s right. I often clean for others. So why do I care so much what other people think about the state of my home? Why do I fear their judgment? If it is true that we are all but mirrors of each other; then am I not just judging myself? My fear of being judged is just the ugly truth that I would judge someone else- don’t you? So why? Why do I judge? Why do I not allow? Why do I think things should be a certain way?
It must be that deserving thing again. Every time I judge another person, I am judging myself and therefore not deeming myself worthy and deserving of being allowed to be. So it seems, I am not deserving myself to be loved. Why? Why don’t I deserve love?
Belief. Belief systems. I must do this to get that. I must clean up before I can go out and play. I must be good in order to be loved. Hmm… I think it’s time to change that.
My daughter knows we all deserve love, just for being born. I remember feeling that way as a child. I guess conditioning changed me.
Seven years ago I was busy preparing for the birth of my daughter. I was journaling expectations, desires, and aspirations for her, as a gift to give her one day. I asked my husband, “ What do you want to write to her? What qualities would you like her to have- to aspire to- to be?” He shrugged, “I want her to know that she is loved.” “What!- Is that all?” I replied. I thought at the time that he was being lazy and not putting enough effort into this project, which I deemed to be so important and necessary.
Well, well, well…I guess we are all always learning. It’s time to truly hear the word of advice from my daughter today, and remember what it is that my husband wanted her to know then. Love. Unconditional love. I need to be free of the conditions of love I place on myself. It is time to throw away the belief that I need to do something to deserve love. I am love. My husband is love. My children are love. We are all love. We deserve it because we are here.